How to Network Without Being Awkward (or Desperate)
Networking doesn't have to feel gross.
Job seekers often claim that networking is more effective than just applying straight to postings. There are career coaches out there who will tell you to skip applications entirely just to get ahead of the pile. But most recruiters I know say that 70% of their roles are filled by people who applied to the job directly.
So where's the disconnect? As a recruiter who shares job search advice, I tell job seekers to network, not because it lets them skip applying, but because it's a great way to stand out.
Most people don't want to network, and honestly, that's fair. In-person meetups used to be the norm before 2020, but that's no longer as common. Now networking happens mostly online, and it can feel cold and distant. Here's how to make it feel like less of both.
Why It Feels Gross (and How to Use That to Your Advantage)
Think about the last time you were in sales mode, especially if you hate sales like I do. It felt gross, right? You were trying to be a salesperson when that's not your strong suit, so you put on a persona that wasn't really you. That persona feels inauthentic, and you give up, not because you're bad at selling or can't get better at it, but because you weren't being true to yourself.
Networking works the same way. You try to be someone you're not, because asking for something from a person you know and like feels awkward and weird. So you don't sour the relationship, and instead do the soft-ask thing: "Hi, how are you?" You wait for them to respond, go back and forth for a while, and eventually work up to the actual ask. Otherwise it feels like you're demanding something.
But here's the thing: you're not demanding anything. Building relationships is about give and take. Instead of feeling awkward, lean into it. Acknowledge that this is a little awkward, but you'd still like their help. Mr. Rogers told us to be helpful, and most of us have embodied that. Most people genuinely want to help others.
Stop Trying to Give Every Time Before You Ask
You've probably heard the phrase "give before you ask." It's a great rule of thumb, but it's not meant to be taken literally. If you give every single time before you ask, you're training your network to expect an ask whenever you give. So instead of a strict 1:1 ratio, like you're Sheldon Cooper handing Howard fifty dollars on his wedding day, think of it as a long-term give and take. You take now, and you give later when you can.
Humans have overcomplicated the simple task of asking for help. It's like we think it has to happen on a full moon when Scorpio is rising and Mercury is in Gatorade. We need to stop that.
Do you have someone in your network who works at a company you want to work for? Reach out and see if they'd be willing to help. And when the time comes for you to return the favor, remember to do the same.
Cold Outreach for Introverts
Some of my closest friends are introverts, and my best friend says I collect introverts the way Thanos collects Infinity Stones. That checks out, since I come from a family of extroverts. I'm not joking. Almost everyone in my immediate and extended family would be considered extroverted.
If you're an introvert, stop trying to convince yourself you need to be an extrovert. You don't, and there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to be extroverted to be effective at cold outreach.
Your introvertedness is a strength. Wield it the way Captain Rogers wields his shield: be direct and to the point. Say why you're reaching out, and don't sandwich the ask between two compliments. You're not messaging someone because you loved their take on some article you couldn't care less about. You're reaching out because you want to connect with them and learn about their experience at a company you're also applying to.
People can smell the BS from a mile away. When you send a generic (or worse, superfluous) line like "I loved your take on XYZ," they'll step back and disengage. In a world of curated content and templated outreach, just be you.
Your Ignored Network
A friend of mine recently became Head of Talent at a startup with no real hiring processes in place. She was trying to reach someone at Rippling, the HR company, and posted on LinkedIn to see if anyone in her network had a connection there. I saw her post, checked the company page, and realized one of my old hiring managers is now Head of Product there. I tagged him in her post and asked if he could help. She was talking to someone at Rippling within days.
The point of that story: your own first-degree network, the friends, classmates, and ex-coworkers you worked with day to day, is the one you're least likely to reach out to, and the one you absolutely should.
A simple message letting them know you're actively job searching, and asking if they know of any roles in your areas of interest, will go a long way.
The Art of Crafting That Message
Did you know most "arts of XYZ" are really just templated content? I'm not going to give you a template. Not because I don't have go-to messages I use myself, but because mine won't sound like you.
Instead, here's what your message should include:
Acknowledge how long it's been since you last talked, especially if this isn't someone you're in touch with weekly or monthly. One sentence is enough. Make your ask, whether it's about a role at their company or because you can see they're connected to someone at your target company. Close with well wishes and a thank you for their time.
My Close With You
There's no one-size-fits-all approach to humans, and networking is no different. For every networking message that gives you a little anxiety before you hit send, go do something you love afterward, and reach out to a friend you actually want to catch up with. If sending one anxiety-inducing message and you love donuts, eat a piece of a donut every time you send one. You're building a positive association with something that would otherwise feel like a cloud hanging over you.